-An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience".

-I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit.

-I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

-I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

-I went to the store to buy a candle-holder, but they were out. So I bought a cake.

-RIP Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)